Dealing with Anger
We all get mad right? I’m a Scorpio and I can promise you that I can get insanely mad when things seem unfair. I should have been a superhero. When justice is messed with I loose my shit. (Still trying to figure out my power though. Eating cheese?) I even get so mad that I’ll have fake fights in my head with the perpetrator that get widely out of context and always end in them doing something crazy mean to me (that would never happen in real life) and that then justifies me flying off the handlebars at them and thus ensues the fake fight in my head until I’m like, “oh shit I’m really mad in my head and I’ve now imagined them throwing jello at me from across the kitchen but in real life they only left some weird smelling leftovers in the fridge and I’m about to murder their ass”. Can anyone relate?
Anger is such a fickle emotion. Sometimes it’s completely warranted and sometimes it’s a defense mechanism. And sometimes it’s a mix of emotions which makes things crazy complicated! I’m talking like splitting the bill at a tapas restaurant when people don’t want to evenly split the bill. MADNESS! Why do we lose our tempers?
- Expectations are not met. I suffer from this constantly where you have a certain idea in your head and then you end up pissed because the other person let you down even though you never verbalized what you wanted? I let disappointment in others and often times myself really fuel my anger.
- Failure. You wanted something to happen and it didn’t. Often this anger is directed at yourself.
- Not saying what you want to say. As a super cool Midwestern girl I often bite my tongue and then fester over it for days. Letting anger pile up and keeping score is my specialty and it only ends with you being angry in your head.
- Using Social Media to hide. A lot of people dispel their anger through news feeds and social outlets but all that does is allow a safety wall to hide behind. It’s like paintball, you can only hide for so long before they come for you and rip you a new one for hiding like a little bitch. (I’ve never played paintball because I’m a delicate flower “COUGH WIMP COUGH” but I imagine this is how it would unfold if I played. Hide for dear life then get attacked and cry until pity is bestowed upon me).
- Control and Power. A lot of anger stems from the desire for control. Who doesn’t want control? It makes life a little less messy. Overcontrolling however is where the madness steps in. Don’t get Fascist.
- Injustice. There are so many unfair things out there in the world. Following your moral compass is a gift but it can tear you down if you let it overwhelm you.
So what’s a girl/dude to do?!?!? I did a little research with the experts and this was their takeaway.
- DO NOT RESIST. Pushing back with your own dose of anger helps nothing.
- Listen. Like REALLY listen to the other person. Try thinking before you speak because they’re feelings are valid.
- Withdraw from engaging. You can’t fight with someone if one person is not pushing back. It’s silly actually when you think about it.
- Look into the why. Underneath the anger is often another emotion like hurt, guilt, or fear. If we had control or can see what the underlying emotion is we can better understand where the anger is coming from. It makes the anger seem less threatening if you know the person is actually terrified of something.
- Make sure you or the other person isn’t hangry. It’s a thing ya’ll.
- Validate the anger. FEELINGS REQUIRE NO JUSTIFICATION TO BE FELT. Kaboom! It’s true all of our feelings are real even if you don’t agree with everything. Help the person or yourself to discharge the anger in a way that feels satisfying without harm.
- Apologize. You might have straight up fucked up. It’s so simple but we often never do it. Hang your pride on the pride shelf and put on your balls please!
- Get some exercise. Getting your sweat on can help reduce stress. Also, the Julia method is run on the treadmill till you’re too tired to be mad. You burn those calories and are no longer a raging monster. Two birds one stone people.
- Take a timeout. It’s not just 4 kids. (Also, to that rabbit out there, Trix are not just for kids either. You deserve some goddamn cereal and I wanted you to know. My heart goes out to you bro).
- Identify solutions. Fix the problem or realize why it’s happening and if it happens often, why?
- Use humor. Obviously one of my favs. Sometimes we all just need to chill the fuck out and a well timed joke is just the ticket to diffuse a tense situation.
- Don’t hold a grudge. This is for me and all my homeboy Scorpios out there. Boy do we keep score. Cross me and I will never forget. You know who that only bothers? Me. It’s exhausting and we need our brains for better things like edible plant species to prepare for the robot apocalypse.
- Practice relaxation. Is it me? Or is it me? It’s me. When you take care of yourself and do the things that calm you, you’re a lot less likely to get upset. It’s science.
- Know when to ask for help. Sometimes stupid articles like these aren’t enough. If anger is fucking up your days on the reg, go talk to someone.
We will never agree on everything but that doesn’t mean we can’t be civilized and have open conversations or agree to disagree. Let’s all try to be less mad.
Mad at you and you’ll never know why,
Julia