Modern Etiquette
Etiquette, a language of mutual respect between all of us. I hate to say it but I’m often so disappointed in the way we disregard our manners. THEY MATTER! They matter especially during times when there is anger in the air and we all need to be reminded that strangers are not all Disney witches waiting to hand out poisoned apples. (But fo real don’t eat the black ones! Or the shitty Macintosh. Honeycrisp is where IT IS AT MAH BITCHES!!!!) Have you ever been super mad about something and realize you’ve been walking around probably looking like you were about to stab someone? But you’re a nice person right? Consider that many other people you are bumping into are having a tough day too. Furthermore, why not just be completely FUCKING AWESOME?!?!? It really doesn’t take much effort. Why not be the friend who always shows up on time, the one who brings a thoughtful bottle of wine to the party your friend slaved over, or the person who puts their phone away during dinner and really listens? Modern manners are more important than ever and you should put yourself in timeout if you’re not being considerate. Life isn’t about making everything convenient to fit your life. Unless you’re Richie Rich. (Damn that kid had it MADE!!!!). But he still said please and thank you. So KABOOM! NO ONE IS EXEMPT FROM USING THEIR MANNERS.
So here is the magical quiz. 10 modern rules of etiquette. The scoring? Gold stars and SHAME!!! It’s simple, the more etiquette rules you live by the more hypothetical life gold stars you get. Yay you!! The more rules you don’t follow the more shame will seep into your soul!! Scary!! The shame will happen immediately so you’ll know when you’re losing. (JK I’m sure all of you are absolute boy/girl scout angels that help old ladies cross the street and never EVER use profanities). Me included. I never cuss. So let the quiz begin!!!
- LATENESS. Completely unacceptable. Of course every now and then we get stuck on a train or caught in a traffic jam, but if you are the person always texting “10 min late be there soon!”…. Then you are being rude and disrespectful of the other person’s time and believe me, people will remember you for it. We all know how long it takes to get to most places, so get your shit together!
- MOOD. Your mood should never affect the people around you and especially your manners. We’re all sorry things may be down in the dumps for you but that leaves no excuses to let doors slam in people’s faces. Plus, often when I am feeling down, doing little acts of kindness help lighten my mood and help smack me out of my cloud of “woe is me” funk. Also, don’t dump your problems on other people unless they asked for it. No one likes the complainer in the group. EVER.
- PHONES. Where do I begin?!?!?!? Ummmm TURN THEM OFF. When you are constantly on your phone in the presence of others it looks like you have zero social skills and it truly is not going to hurt you. Be in the moment when you are sitting with someone having a drink or dinner. Do not walk and text on the stairs or sidewalk. I DON’T UNDERSTAND HOW PEOPLE THINK THIS IS OK. First, you are gonna Mr. Magoo yourself into a pothole or into oncoming traffic. Secondly, it sends the signal to everyone around you that you are selfish and could give a flying fuck what is happening for anyone else trying to walk in the vicinity of you. If you really need to respond and often that is the case, walk to the side and text then rejoin the stream of fishes. It fucks with the flow and frankly I may start walking around with a supersoaker and whoever is defying the laws of texting etiquette is GETTING IT IN THE FACE! Try to make peace with the fact that we don’t need to be plugged in all the time. Leave your phone in another room or turn it off and deal with that uncomfortable feeling. I promise it will do you good because you will re-learn to take in your surroundings. I love my instagram animals, but I hear they have fields of those in heaven so make use of your time on earth by being present!
- TIPPING. I’m not taking time on this. 20% or don’t go out. People in the service industry are not your butlers so make sure you can afford to thank them for their efforts. BE COOL.
- GOSSIP. As much as it is super satisfying and fun to tell a friend something juicy, keep in mind the kinds of gossip you’re spreading. Is it small and innocent where the person would have shared themselves? Or is it malicious and hurtful? With social media we all feel more falsely involved in people’s lives. Don’t assume that everything now can be shared with the world.
- DIETS. Don’t make your dietary needs everyone else’s concern unless you will literally blow up like Violet in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. As a longtime vegetarian myself…..NO ONE CARES!!! Eating is one of the most intimate things we do on a daily basis so don’t run around pressing your beliefs on others. It is intrusive and rude. Also, don’t expect people to have the perfect meal for you if they are the hosts and you have special needs. Many hosts will ask but I always have a meal before or bring my own contribution if I know a party is gonna be super meat heavy. (Too many sausage and meat jokes in head, literally just blacked out). Remember you are in the minority by choice with most diet preferences, so be mindful of making it easy for others to dine with you. My name is Julia and I am a cool vegetarian. Join me!
- RSVP. Respond to invitations promptly and GO TO THEM. Not showing up puts the host out. Also, don’t cancel plans for better plans. It is the flakiest thing and you will end up with friends who do the same to you because the real friends will eventually start spending time with quality people. We’ve all thrown a party and had a bunch of people say they were coming then don’t right? Feels terrible. But remember the badass friends that did show up? They rock. Be like them always. And bring something nice for the host if they’ve really gone above and beyond. You would appreciate the same thoughtfulness.
- GRACIOUSNESS. Be gracious. It is so easy to do and goes a long way. And for the love of stationery WRITE THANK YOU NOTES. On paper. With a pen. Use a stamp. Find a mailbox. If you don’t know what a mailbox is google it. Find it. Mail it. Texting or emailing? LAAAAAAME. If someone gets you a really nice gift for your birthday, get them something nice on theirs. You are not the king. So spread the love!
- COUNT YOUR COCKTAILS. As someone who was in the industry for years, I can get down and drink with the best of them. However, being carried out of a bar is so not cute. Be gentlemen and ladies and keep track o yo booze. It’s classy and people respect you for holding your liquor whatever that threshold may be.
- LIGHTNING ROUND!!!! Holding doors open for people, chewing with your mouth shut, keeping your elbows off the table, not touching pregnant women’s bellies no matter how tempting it may be, washing your hands after going to the bathroom, saying excuse me when bumping into someone, looking people in the eyes when talking to them, and saying please and thank you.
Did the shame engulf you like a dickhead phoenix rising from the rude ashes of assholeness or are you surrounded by gold stars like Sonic the Hedgehog just nailed a lightning round? Only you can check yo self before you wreck yo self.
Thank you for not reading this while you walk on the sidewalk, Julia